OTHER NOMINEES FOR DISNEYLAND SLEDGEHAMMER

Extra! deYong has clean joke; T&O gets more Subways

If they ever give an award for truth in advertising, I'd like to nominate Disneyland. I honestly believe it is the happiest place on earth. I've been there hundreds of times. Main Street is my favorite part of the park. In fact, my best friend has already agreed to surreptitiously scatter my ashes up and down the street when i pass on to my greater reward.

But never let it be said that Disney lets tradition (or public protest) stand in the way of progress.

As part of its ongoing effort to improve guest services and offer more diverse menus and despite a flood of protests from Disneyphiles --Disneyland will soon be bringing new designs to some of its restaurants on Main Street.

Beginning in January, construction will get under way to transform the existing Carnation Ice Cream Parlor and Restaurant and the nearby Blue Ribbon Bakery into three new venues. Come April, three new restaurants will open their doors -- a renovated Carnation Cafe, a relocated Blue Ribbon Bakery, and the new Gibson Girl Ice Cream Parlor, hosted by Nestle Ice Cream.

Michael Berry, VP of Disneyland food operations and concept development, said, "The changes make possible a redesigned configuration which will provide better guest service, offer a more diverse dining experience, and increase the number of guests who can utilize the Disneyland Main Street restaurants."

Nestle and Carnation have a long history with Disney. In 1955, Carnation Ice Cream became one of the original 33 participants at Disneyland, and the Carnation Ice Cream Parlor and Restaurant was one of the most popular features on Main Street. Carnation became part of Nestle in 1985.

So bid a fond farewell to a few more early Disneyland icons. They're off to join the Monsanto ride that zapped you down to the size of an atom; the bumper cars that rarely worked, but when they did, floated on a layer of air; and Tomorrowland's House of the Future (the only disappointment of my first childhood visit to Disneyland was that I was not allowed to use one of the mind-boggling new electric toothbrushes on display in the then-futuristic house).

As much as I love Disneyland, it still has a few attractions whose time has come. And gone. Here's my unsolicited advice:
Shutter the Enchanted Tiki Room (it's almost impossible to hear the sappy songs over the mechanical birds' clacking beaks).
Allow the dinosaurs in the Primeval World to gently amble off into extinction (they can't compare to the new technology dinosaurs other companies are creating).
And finally, give the wheezing, creaking President Lincoln the rest he so richly deserves (I suggest introducing a John Wilkes Booth Audio-Animatronics figure that assassinates him in a historically accurate manner, screams, "Sic semper tyrannis," and leaps from the balcony, breaking its mechanical leg in the process). Any other suggestions?

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, why the long face?"

Clean Comedians, the La Mirada-based purveyor of wholesome humor, is now offering itself up as a franchise opportunity.

According to Adam Christing, president of Clean Comedians and author of the recently published book "Comedy Comes Clean," "We prove that comedy doesn't have to be filthy to be funny. While half the nation's comedy clubs are shutting down, our business is booming."

Clean Comedian franchisees can service banquet programs, fund-raisers, association dinners, private parties, sales meetings, school functions, corporate conventions, church gatherings, business seminars, etc.

In a fitting finish to this item, I have no punchline.

But what time is it?

Laguna Niguel-based Patrice Tanaka & Co. is handling PR for the new Seiko Message Watch, a high-tech device that falls closer to Star Trek's communicator than to Dick Tracy's old two-way wrist radio on technology's evolutionary scale.

The Message Watch comes with a fullfeature pager that displays 16-digit messages plus special prearranged code messages. And that's just the beginning. It also gives you weather reports, pollution and UV-ray reports, financial stats (including Dow Jones averages), lottery numbers, professional sports scores, ski conditions and on and on and on. The darn thing even links up with your voice-mail system.

Oh, yeah -- it also tells the time.

Bits and pieces:

Lagu n a H ills-based Townsend & O' Leary has landed Subway Restaurants of San Diego. Added to their five-county Los Angeles area Subway account and their 50-unit Las Vegas Subway business, T&O now handles the regional advertising for approximately 550 Subway units ... "The Living Sea," the Academy Award-nominated film produced by Laguna Beach-based MacGillivray Freeman Films, has opened at the IMAX Theater in the Irvine Spectrum. Enrich yourselves, MFF and the Edwards clan by going to see it.

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By Jim deYong

deYong, retired co-founder of Irvine ad agency dGWB, is writing this column on an interim basis.